Interrogation

The following is a transcribed conversation that was taped in an interrogation room.
?: You seem to like to follow me around, don't you Mr. SEAN DELBER?!?
SD: No, you attacked me.
?: That's what most stalkers say when under the light. (A creaking sound is heard, as if turning a light fixture) WHERE WERE YOU ON DECEMBER THE 12TH, FOUR SIXTY-NINE AM?!
SD: I assume I was sleeping. You know, at four sixty-nine, because that isn't a re-
?: AHA! I've caught you in a LIE! A LIE! I happen to have pictures of you at four sixty-nine on December the 12th! (shuffling of papers is heard) Yes, here you are...four and sixty-nine on the twelfth of December...HAHA! There you are, in... a BAKERY!
SD: That's my head posted to a guy buying something at a bakery with the time "4:69" written in crayon in the bottom right hand corner.
?: (there is a pause) WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?
SD: I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME!
?: You can call me...the Doctor.
SD: Doctor who?
?: Exactly!
SD: Um...no. What's your real name? And why do you have me chained to the chair?
?: My real name is not important, but you can call me "F.L."
SD: As in Fearless Leader?
?: DAMN YOU! I mean...no. I lied.
SD: No kidding.
?: Before I tell you who I am, though, tell me this: why am I after you?
SD: How the heck should I know?
?: Aren't you an omniscient being?
SD: If I was onmiscient, do you think I'd have been captured by you?
?: I dunno. I don't think omniscient beings can stand to omnipotent ones.
SD: Oh, so now you're omnipotent?
?: I've always been omnipotent. After all, I am Merlin.
SD: Merlin, huh?
?: Yup, Merlin. I love goldfish. And socks.
SD: Prove it.
?: WHY SHOULD I PROVE MYSELF TO YOU? Take it easy. NO! Listen, we can do good-cop bad-cop, but we're going to have to make sure he doesn't know...
SD: You know, I can hear you.
?: SHUT UP, WE'RE NOT TALKING TO YOU!
SD: The good-cop bad-cop doesn't work when you play both.
?: If you don't cooperate, I'll be forced to let him loose on you to get the information we need to bring down the Soviet Union.
SD: Do I even sound like I have a Russian accent?
?: Alright, I warned you...YO! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! OR ELSE!
SD: Why don't we start with your name? (a thud is heard)
?: Okay, but mommy told me never to tell strangers my name...
SD: It's okay. Strangers who are handcuffed to chairs are okay. My mom told me the same thing.
?: Well...are you my mommy?
SD: No, Dr. Seuss is dead.
?: My mommy is dead?!
SD: If Dr. Seuss had a sex change, then it's possible.
?: WAH!
SD: Calm down, Dr. Seuss isn't your mom.
?: WAH! Wait...why isn't Dr. Seuss my mom? Are you trying to trick me?
SD: Now calm down! I'm not trying to hurt you!
?: I want to speak to the person in charge here! Who's running this facility?
SD: I am.
?: Then why are tied to the chair?
SD: I wanted to prove to you that I am Houdini.
?: You're not Houdini.
SD: Okay, it's true. But I am pretty magical.
?: How so?
SD: See that spot on your shirt? Whoops! Now it's gone. See? Magic!
?: What's your name?
SD: You know my name. What's yours?
?: My real name...is Skywakler.
SD: Hey, Luke, why don't you use the Force to let me free?
?: Okay! (the sound of handcuffs being unlocked are heard)
SD: Oh, wow, thanks! Now, don't be offended by this...(a punch is heard)